I consider myself involuntary celibate. I've never had the opportunity to choose to have --- or not. I'm only 21 so it hasn't been forever, but sometimes it feels that way. I deal with it in my own way which no one really knows about. I recently started hanging out with a co-worker. She asked me about my previous relationships. She asked the question so I owned up to the fact that I was a virgin. There wasn't much discussion at the time. Every now and again, the conversation will turn to --- but not often. She just found out she was pregnant and somehow that conversation briefly concerned my virginity which didn't bother me. She's never ridiculed me because of it. But she did ask me a question which hit me pretty hard. "How do you live without sex?" I was almost kind of stunned. My honest response was "I don't know". Like I had pondered the question before and came to the conclusion that I wasn't really alive without it. Of course, I quickly turned the conversation back to her by saying that my virginal state kept me out of the pregnant one she was in. But the question stuck with me. I used to think that it was possible I was exaggerating my situation. My obsession with --- was related to a deeper, more substantial desire, one of companionship. I know society in general is all about only a few things, --- being one of them. But I didn't think or rather I hoped that the day to day wasn't so concerned with it. Her question sort of solidified my hopes and fears that --- was the solution to my problems. I know that it is not. There has always been two ways of thinking for me. While I have one thought, I also possess and believe in equally a contradictory one. It's hard to explain. While I know all I really need is a hug, I can't fight the desire for --- which would seem to provide the same affect in me as a hug.

~deadlockedstoic~